Father and Son

James Chew Keng Peng

My father, James Chew Keng Peng left us on Dec 10 2009. He was born on 22nd June 1947. Just a week ago, I came back to Singapore and met my old man. 5 days later after returning to Taiwan with my son,  my sister left a MSN message that he was admitted to hospital and I had a strange feeling that something is going to happen. The next day it just happened....He is gone.

My father was not really a father figure to me, he only felt responsible to get me educated and when my wings are ready, he wants me out. When I was young, before my sister came into this world, my old man was like a monster, he would beat me and my mother. I still remembered when I was 6 years old when I was stripped down in the toilet and beaten with a rubber hose, my hand was brunt for stealing his money, my head was shaved half bald because I failed my PSLE examination. I hated him, I wish him dead. I told myself I was never going to be like him. I am not him and will never be him.

In some ways, I am glad he did that to me. I learnt to be strong on my own. There were many things happened in my life even my sister or my mother do not understand me. My dad left a stigma in me, I tried very hard to control myself not to be violence but in my last marriage I was put into a test and I failed. Till today, I hated myself what I did to my ex-wife. She too did not understand my past, the words I told her about my life, no one could understand the pain that I have gone through. I still have the monster in me, the stigma is still there and can never be erased. I can only try my best to control it.

During his time of death, I was asked to return to Singapore but somehow I refused. I know many of you will hate my guts for doing that. Some one told me is the respect I have to give and is the duty of a son to send my old man off. Do I only have to show him the respect when he is dead? I am glad I did something with him when he was alive. We did spend sometime in Sabah visiting his brother. Exactly one year ago, he was in Taiwan with my kids. As a father to my kids, I want them to spend sometime with my old man to know more about their grandfather and also to give my father a chance to be a father. During the time in Taiwan, he had fits and my kids got scared,  later I went to check on him and found he had shitted on the bed. Me and my partner had to clean his shit up. Did his wife clean his shit or anyone?? After all the shit he gave me when I was young and today I cleaned his shit. I am glad my kids saw me doing that. I still respected the old man when he was alive.

Today my son is with me in Taiwan for a break, we just came back from a 4 days camping trip doing nothing. I sat in the night looking at the starry sky, thinking back when I was young what had my father did for me, I can't find many answers. As for the moment now I don't know when me and my kids can spend these quality time again. Since my son is here, I will try as much to show him love and teaches him new stuff in his life, hoping one day he can do the same for his children. I do not wish to give up my chance with my son and visit my old man's funeral. My father is already dead but my son is still alive and living to be a father one day. I want to show him how wonderful a father can be and not what I have gone through. Teach him how to respect the living and the mother nature that surround us. I do wish my daughter is with us so I can do the same for her.

My sister wrote something on my facebook and said I did not pull the plug on my father which I did requested that she do it. I can't be there to do it and if I was there I would do it. Maybe I heard her last message wrongly but in my heart I already pulled the plug. The last few trips with father, we had a good chat. He wanted to die simply and not going through the pain. There were 2 women in his life, the past and present. He was torn between his religion and he will never agree to a divorce and the other woman whom he loved in the past, he decided to treat her as a sister but in his heart he merely finding excuses. My father's life was all about woman and I would say today his death was about woman. He would rather die than having a divorce. All I can say my old man....you die in vain. May God have Mercy on your Soul. After all I did love you. You should have given your time to your children.....

2004 Birthday